The word ‘celebrate’ has been ringing in my head like an alarm. I keep hearing my therapist’s voice telling me to celebrate. I think it’s starting to turn into pressure so now I’ve just let go of the idea entirely. I think because of the past three months, I am still on edge when it comes to tasks, having something to do and keeping time.
I went for a movie yesterday, after a really long time. I felt like a caveman getting out of the cave, genuinely they changed some things at the theatre and I felt betrayed by my hermit habits. The other day when my Dad was driving me somewhere, I saw buildings alongside the road a little before where I live which weren’t there the last time I was on the road which is just sad. Really sad.
The movie was great, a bit nostalgic and I think because it was my first time in a theatre after long I felt even more interested. Except for the couple fighting next to me, the ambience was great. It’s been so long since I was around strangers alone for more than ten minutes. The more I write this, the more I realise I really have not been out.
I am supposed to be celebrating but I don’t know what. I think it’s because I don’t celebrate often. Somehow no occasion seems enough. I also feel it’s a little too showy and overconfident. But I realised I had been writing off achievements for quite long feeling like I should be quiet about it, but ramped up my failures in my head. This disproportionate treatment is what my therapist was addressing.
I am supposed to look for a job, but I am trying to put that off for now, because to be very honest I have come just off the frying pan. I need to soak in the world before I sit behind a desk and write about it. Looking at how the world has progressed without me, I have a lot of catching up to do.
I want to get back to my fitness, start doing those things that I put off for the past three months because I felt guilty towards my studies. Today morning I woke up in panic wondering what was lined up for the day, and I realised, absolutely nothing. It’s a whole new life I am starting to pay attention to my hair and my body, which for the past three months didn’t receive more than cursory glances.
I must tell you how my parents are reacting to the situation. Yesterday my parents were telling me how I should relax, take it easy and that I deserve time off. Today, my mother was after me asking me why I am not going running in the shoes I bought. She told me not to be glued to the screen as well. Parents have a very small window for relaxation. If they see you doing nothing for a couple hours they decide you’ve gone off track and have become completely unproductive. I will never figure my typical Indian parents out.
To help get back to being human I called my friends, messaged asking when we could meet up. It’s funny how adulthood can jump out and punch you in the face at any time. Everybody had work, jobs and here I was behaving like I just got summer vacation from school. After all, those who pursue academics get into it to run away from adulthood, this may not be the entire reason, but let’s not kid that this is one of the considerations.
Now my loneliness has emerged to annoy me. I am relying on my trusted friends Netflix and food for company. To feel a little more grown up I am trying to find books to read, it’s just sad that my last Goodreads login was four years ago. I am really out of touch. I mean I spent the majority of the last five years in a library and yet I read no fiction or drama.
Even my music is old, I have been rediscovering the music I was listening to at 15 and have been sending songs on my best friends chat group selling them as new finds. Honestly, things so far aren’t looking too fresh. One of my gifts when I turned 23 was a planner my two best friends gifted me, you know to help my OCD.
I was too scared to open it. This planner wasn’t simply like the notebook I used. It asked for my IDs, my shopping list, budget, my life goals, monthly review, weekly review, my medical history, bucket list, reading list, movie list, daily meal plans, my ideal week plan, and this was by far my favourite quality of life improvement plan. Anyone would be intimidated. Thanks to that planner I realised my OCD isn’t as bad as I thought it was. I don’t mind checking my bathroom switch at least four times before I sleep or aligning mats to tiles. If I do fill in that planner I will be visiting my therapist for much longer than I have to.
Even as I write about my disconnect with the world, I am in better spirits. My parents can complain, my friends can remain busy, that planner can wait till my next anxiety attack, but for now I am all mine. It’s been so long since I noticed my dark circles which now resemble blackholes, or that slight pain in my foot that never goes away. I can think about my breakfast in peace, or about my hobbies. When your laptop starts telling you, “you have no disk space left,” that’s when you know it’s time to stop. This is me taking back my life, get ready for the drama!