Lord, it’s been a long endless monsoon. I was forced to take a break from the blog because I was busy trying to prove my intelligence and trying to sum up my research capabilities in my MA thesis. Now that I am done, I am in a relatively better place now. It was not that I forgot, or that I somehow gave this up. It was just that life caught up to me. So did all my insecurities, anxiety and every fear I have felt in the past two years.
Honestly, I will tell you me being here at this very moment, it’s the end of an era. This Master’s degree wasn’t just a pretty backdrop of my life for the past two years. It’s been one of the main underlying foundations of my gap year and everything after. Last year at this time, I didn’t even know if I wanted to finish the degree. Now I am here, done with it, nearly. I got through the backlog, I did heavy-duty research, and I faced a whole host of demons along the way.
Every step felt like a struggle and these past few weeks, the panic attacks have been so difficult to face. I wanted to give up and keep going every minute of every day. Amidst the crippling self-doubt, the bouts of feverish anxiety, the breathlessness and the tears I had to produce a piece of work that would reflect none of that. Literally, my blood, sweat and tears are all in that one document.
I am standing on the cusp of my future and I am giddy with vertigo. Everybody told me I would get through it, everybody said it would work out, everyone thought what I write would be of great quality, except me. On my blog being open and honest, and that being my only USP gets rid of the anxiety of being good enough. This blog was never about impressing people or being able to assert my intellectual capabilities on a population. It was all about removing that garb off, of being correct, of faking being alright, of pretending to be more than you are.
Since I have constantly spoken of mental health over here, I’d like to say, I wasn’t here for the sake of my mental health. I needed so much in these past one month, and I know I asked little, except of my family, I asked very little of everybody else. I wanted to be okay, I wanted people to think I hadn’t completely slipped back to rock bottom and that this whole last year wasn’t just a slow climb to nowhere.
I celebrated my birthday by working on my dissertation. By the way, I turned 23. Turning 23, I am only feeling it now. I don’t think it’s a big number, I just think it’s one more number. It makes no difference. This birthday by far, has been touch and go, and I don’t really care. But this time everyone else did care. Sometimes you think if you forget everyone will, and it’s just you who is making it about yourself so that you get attention. It’s not true, I realised I mattered to people, that I wasn’t just there for laughs in people’s lives. Only others can remind you of that.
My therapist told me the other day that I must celebrate the completion of my dissertation. I drew a blank. I said Netflix, but she was less than impressed. I said food, she sighed. Well, I didn’t think that far ahead. I didn’t think about celebrating, I just wanted to get all of this done with. It was hard to look beyond the task and what was at stake. Even now I don’t know what happens next week, what’s the plan going to be, how am I going to adjust to the nothingness, no plan?
This is what I dreamed off in college, being done with studying, to live the life I aspired to. But, it’s so different. You never think this far ahead into life as a teenager, and then in your twenties you’re too scared to, or too busy. You prepare for college, you prepare for everything, you never prepare for this part of life. I know I am supposed to get a job, probably at some point establish a career, maybe do more studying at some point, earn money, get a place and try not to die alone. Who really knows?
I don’t know where I am going now, and maybe that’s a good thing. I’ve put off spontaneity for my comfort zone of routine. I might celebrate, in my own quiet way, or maybe just have a good cry. So much has happened politically, socially, but I’ve been caught up in this. I hope I don’t build this up too much. Maybe from here it all changes, and it really will. I have nowhere to go, nowhere to be, no plan and for some absurd reason I am okay with that.
I grew up in this past month, I confronted the reality of my fears, looked them in the eye and had to tell them to stop. Now that I am nearly there, my anticipation is at an all time high. The fears do try to tell me that I am not good enough, that I am going to have a grand fall from this height. But, I don’t have much of a choice about this, if I want to move ahead.
Now I can write all this without feeling guilty towards my thesis or my degree. I am a pessimistic person at heart. When things go wrong I feel a sense of satisfaction because that’s all I ever expect. This past year I have tried to become realistic, and life has continuously proved me wrong beating my pessimism to a pulp. This past month I have felt a hundred emotions and I have so much to tell you all. That’s enough for me, just to be rid of this albatross, no matter what it means.