In my trajectory in getting over my mental health issues, I recently witnessed a slight dip, much to my and my therapist’s disappointment. Nothing too bad which cannot be fixed, but evident nonetheless. You win some, you lose some. Now that I started with that, I hesitate to commit to it. That’s how I get when things get personal.
In a conversation with my therapist I figured I have been internalising too much. That’s why I haven’t been able to get on here and give sermons, like everybody I have bad days and sometimes the bad days turn into weeks. The beauty of time is that it can make breaks look like centuries. You think you’re going away for a minute and you come back and find that evolution has surpassed you, people have grown wings and you’re still walking.
The reason why I didn’t feel like writing was that my focus so far has only been on writing. I didn’t want to bore the few who read this blog with my tantrums and hissy fits. Mostly, it was just me trying to deal with my internal tirade. My morale was down. Even though I have been told I have been internalising too much, I am still not sure about what.
All I think that I was internalising so far was my self-doubt on my self-worth. We’ve all been there right? It’s the lowest we as people can go, it’s that point when your life stops mattering before that moment. In those moments nobody can help you by offering their hand, you need to climb out of it. For me, this has become and annual ritual, every year when I cross the half-way mark my mind climbs down this trapdoor.
No matter how many nails and boards I put in place, I have swallowed more than a hundred keys, and moved far out of the territory but my stubborn mind finds its way back. And this place doesn’t feel good. It’s not welcoming. Luckily this time it’s a dip and not a sink. But, that’s a small victory. When I woke up from the nightmare and started climbing out of it during this week, I began to trust myself a bit more.
When the dip came, it pushed me back a year when I was wondering if therapy and meds would work, whether anything would get me out of this. I was a skeptic. But, two days ago when without anybody helping me, without my SOS meds and without a panic attack I experienced the fruits of my treatment. Now I can tell you all for sure, that it works, that we can get better.
The dip as usual took its payment in kind, as I felt my energy reducing and my view of the world growing more grey with each day. For once, it didn’t fade to black and I think in the story of my life this has been the biggest plot twist so far. It’s very hard to capture everything I felt in these two weeks in one post but I am going to try.
I want to spend time on making all this clear because this was the goal of my blog, the reason for why I began writing a blog on myself was because I wanted to share all this with you. This is the most self-centred I have ever been in my life. So I shall take the liberty. My life has changed, so has my family dynamics, death does that, it changes things. And that of everything I have been through was the hardest thing to come to terms with.
I am also writing my dissertation while my family has grown and my once empty house fills up with more people. The dissertation writing process has changed my perspective on a lot of things, specifically people. This was what plagued my mind on the sleepless nights, whether this was a good idea, whether it will really work? Whether I will be able to do it justice? Now, finally I have made peace with the fact that I will never feel satisfied with it. There will always be more to do, and that is a fact. But, these questions are pointless unless I start somewhere and this is my starting point.
My future also bothers me, the uncertainty of it. I have also made peace with this. From now on uncertainty must become my best friend. I can crib and cry, I can be dramatic but it’s the truth. This is where I am at mentally. I am aware it’s a slippery slope. What else can you expect when Monsoon is here? If someone wants to chart my progress, this is where I am right now. I wrote about not being inspired, I won’t lie and I don’t say this out of arrogance, this time I inspired myself. That’s one thing I can strike off my bucket list. Onward!