I travelled from the chaos of home, to the haven I call my room. This small space where my thoughts keep me company. As someone who prefers the solace and calm as compared to the emotional turbulence of family life, this came at the right time. For one, in London, now the place isn’t a stranger to me. It feels like a place whose language comes naturally to me, whose behaviour I have begun understanding.
Although like all places and people there are still some things about London I will never get like the weather, it’s not more than fifteen degrees outside, but it’s extremely sunny and windy, also the sun sets after eight pm. Like my family, I have accepted London’s confused weather as a quirk that after a point grows on you. I’d take this to the cold winters any day. It’s easier to look on the bright side now.
Home was tough in the last week and I was yearning an escape from the sadness in the family, and the grief of sad news from all corners, I run from bad news. I was itching to get out, to take a break from my family on the pretense of work. Since my emotions don’t show the way others’ do, I found it extremely tough to handle it all. I’ll be honest, I am not very dependable in the EQ department. I don’t pat people’s backs or cry with them, I just retreat and give the person space. Some people appreciate it, some people find it annoying.
When things go fine in one department of life, some other things go the other way. Everyone calls it balance, but it never feels balanced does it? The latter always makes a bigger mark than the former. If it’s supposed to be balanced, wouldn’t the impact be equal too? Perhaps there is no answer to this, or a solution. It’s the way things are. So London came at the right time for me. I wondered why something always goes wrong when I leave for London, but maybe that’s my parachute out of the burning plane that fate gave me, the only way out of the grief is to leave.
London may be my 3 AM friend. Just a very expensive friend. But it works for me. Soon even this friend will turn into an acquaintance. This is my last month in this country, so I want to make this count. I want to enjoy the sun, see things I haven’t seen, explore the country before I go back home for good. Maybe one day I’ll be here again but for now, it’s almost time to go.
I think I finally mustered up the courage to knock on Life’s door, before I used to let it find me, waiting by the window. Now I am seeking it out, because the wait has been long. Perhaps I want an escape from the responsibility of the blank slate of my future. I am seeking out the joy I kept myself away from forgetting to live while I am here. If all the grief has taught me one thing and it’s taken me a year and a half to figure out, that life is fickle, and while things are stable, take advantage of it, shamelessly.
I have spent the last five years working harder than I have in my life, so hard that the acheivements felt scary more than they gave me happiness, so hard that I can only remember the days I spent crying into my pillow not wanting to live. Now no amount of hard work is worth the stress. So some may say I have lost ambition, no I have not. I have also not stopped working hard. I am just preserving myself. I want to remember the times I smiled.
I didn’t think life would answer the door, or invite me in. But it did and so now I’ll stay here a while. Not because I don’t care about what happens at home but because I care too much. My life will change in a couple of months, I don’t know where I’ll be, who I’ll be or who I’ll be with. Since I’ve got this far, the rest of the journey doesn’t feel impossible. Life’s hospitality caught me off guard.
I’m learning to smile without having to cry first, I am learning that I am enough to make myself smile. I am also learning that the sun doesn’t have to set early, the sun can set as late as it wants to. Nothing is fixed except life and death but just like sunrise and sunset, the beginning and the end are indeterminable. If the sun can set when it feels like why can’t I live a little longer? So now I don’t knock on heaven’s door, I knocked on Life’s door, it’s more welcoming.