I buckled myself in, in January and decided to brave the height. Two seconds in and I was shot into the sky and plummeted to the ground faster than I could say, ‘stop’. I know this was my decision, and now as I hang in the air for a moment with a spectacular upside down view, I ponder whether I was ever up for this ride.
I submitted my last essay for the term today and hopefully for life. It’s been a lot of work. Stressing over details, reading, re-writing, questioning everything. Finally, I’ve crossed the bridge. The search for jobs is on and I am not getting very far in this endeavour. It’s tough because I have been juggling multiple things.
Now from multiple I have come down to two, and just when I thought it was taken care of, my phone decided it isn’t going to charge unless the stars align. So now I’ve got to take care of that somehow, and life keeps throwing one curve ball after another. I am travelling day after so the timing is perfect, the soar throat has joined the party, it’s a real rave.
I want to dwell on the brighter side for now and leave my issues till tomorrow. The day has been hard, so has the week, the month and the year. 2019 so far has presented multiple challenges one after another. It’s like levelling up in a game. And it’s pretty tough.
I have to go back to London come May, and that’ll be the last time I go to London this year. My Master’s degree is slowly coming to a close and it feels surreal, I never thought I would finish it. That was also because multiple hurdles came up before me. Each one tougher than the other.
This year, I had vowed I’d be better in 2019, but I am just inching towards being exhausted, so much has happened so fast. Essay after essay, one emotional experience to another. This roller coaster ride only pauses for effect. The ups and downs this year were more real than last year, because last year it was all internal, this year every event has been external. When I went out into the world, the world threw itself at me reminding me that I had been living in my head for a year and it had waited patiently to surprise me. And boy did it surprise me!
The twists and turns make me dizzy, sometimes my stomach screams in joy and at other times fights back the acid reflux. I can say that I wasn’t prepared, but I never really am, nor will I ever be. This is life, sometimes a car goes over your phone and it survives spectacularly, sometimes you confront loss that rips your world apart, sometimes you need to push your mind to the brink to live up to your dreams.
I am not even halfway through 2019 yet and this is how I feel. Psychologically, it’s taking a toll on me, my confidence and my strength. But, physically as usual I am fine, better than I have ever been. I am still buckled in and there’s no getting out until it stops. So I enjoy the view and try to keep breathing. Breathing helps my stomach settle.
Hopefully after a while I’ll get used to the jolts, and the spinning. I’ll be able to enjoy the wind in my face and the height. I just have to hold on, how hard can it be? These feelings are jumbled, because I am speaking with a tired mind. You spend your whole life thinking, and you never once stop to ask your mind how it feels.
My therapist told me to start thinking about the previous day before I start the next one. Doing that makes me cringe or count what I didn’t do, which maybe mounts up to thirty minutes in a twenty-four hour long day. Imagine, we stress about the thirty minutes we screwed up and never address the twenty-three hours and thirty minutes worth of a day that went fine. Now, having done the thinking I realise my average is good and I think that counts more.
I am not good at Math, never have been but I know that I have spent way more time dwelling on little things to the extent that I have ‘discounted’ all the big things. I am saying ‘discounted’, a term my therapist uses a lot. At times like this I wish I could watch a horror movie, or read a horror novel which I have been forbidden from. I guess I don’t need more fear in my life, isn’t the roller coaster enough?
This roller coaster won’t stop anytime soon and is taking its own sweet time. Luckily, the view changes and this roller coaster doesn’t follow the same course twice. I’ve given up trying to find a pattern, all I really want to do is to get to the end and think, “it was not so bad.”