I am sure out there are many minds at peace, people who navigate life by facing the hussle without any of the drama I tend to create. My mind has a long way to go. Having been working on essays for the past one month my mind feels burdened with the weight of writing an essay and the weight of wondering what the feedback will bring.
It’s tough the ignore the nagging which waits patiently for an opportunity to get you by surprise. I find that life is both hot and ridiculously mundane. What’s more I am trying to look under rocks for jobs. All of it doesn’t help my anxiety. Like how some heroes have superpowers that include heightened senses, I got high anxiety.
Watching movies takes the edge off, I tell myself that beyond the essay life has to go on. But why does one essay feel like the world on my shoulders. Maybe it’s because I am tired of having to prove my intelligence. I am tired of arguing and being told my argument doesn’t hold in the end. Academia is that journey, where your lack of intellegence will be pin-pointed. We always say education for all, never knowing how much our own self-condifence has suffered in education.
I am none the wiser. But yes on most days I feel that what I do and write only reaches my professor, what real change will it make? I am supposed to be preparing myself for real change, but I just want to sit and not worry. I want to make my health a full-time business. Last year the Gap year was a time-bound project that I completed so that I could finish my studies. Now it’s about me. I like quick fixes but I want something permanent.
As a kid I never pictured myself writing college essays, I pictured myself running somewhere on an open field, or sitting under a tree writing in my diary. This is extremely far from the picture. Not that this wasn’t part of the dream, but it definitely wasn’t the part I looked forward to.
Early in the morning when it isn’t hot yet, I am sitting on an armchair writing this before breakfast, trying to convince my mind that I am not failing. It seems almost childish. But these same fears appear when I am my most vulnerable. I try to quieten my mind to no end. I don’t want it dealing with these redundant questions. It has only just started looking at problems practically.
I hope this is over soon, I need a break, a real break just for me, not a few days long, a month or two maybe. I don’t want to keep trying to convince people to bet on me. This part of my life is boring, also because there isn’t much else on my mind. Only my mind can change this, rather than coninue to frustrate me.
I will never believe that problems will solve themselves, but I do believe that patience can bear more rewards than impatience. I have tried looking at the puzzle from multiple angles and putting the pieces in every way possible. Now I am just going to sit and stop looking at the puzzle and wait for my mind to notice the pattern.