Full steam ahead

During the summer I remember the quiet hills, that would sit at the bay of the horizon, how the sun would rise from behind them and bless bare fields with a golden tinge. At the mercy of the sun it’s only the trees that provide refuge, these artificial roofs are merely there to shield. It’s summer holidays here, for the kids, for the rest of us its life. At least I can have ice cream here without calculating the risk.

What I really love about India is the expenses, London is a drain on the pocket. How much I spend on one ice cream in London, I can by at least four here. Tell me if this isn’t a huge difference. I realise you don’t need a lot of money to live, but you need to be in the right place at the right time. Lately I’ve been into the beats of Hindi music, just loving the feel of home.

It’s election time and the saffron party is going all out, I am just hoping things turn around for the country this time, another term of doubt, of confusion, lack of clarity and lack of action doesn’t follow. I love how people are so supportive of their respective candidates, like their parties are the next big thing for Indian politics. Blind loyalty and blind hatred are both the bigegst threats to India right now.

There’s nothing like the right side here, we behave like we have options but we really just have two. Ask anyone to name more than two, some might name a third but the majority will ask why they must know anymore. I have heard people say it’s only the two choices we have that are important. It’s almost as if we’ve become comfortable with the options we have. It’s stockholm syndrome.

I still don’t know who to vote for, and every day I question if I even should. I am keeping my head down and working on my life. For me that’s the first priority. My own life is a drag, a long drag across the mundane happenings of human life. I have always wanted a bit of magic, something to make this life special. To make it exciting like seasoning.

I am now kept awake at night wondering where all these roads I have taken will converge, I have a hundred things on my mind, and the isolation is real. I am stuck in my head again. My head’s not a great place to be stuck in. While I am better equipped now to handle this, we’re never ready for our own slip-ups are we? Sometimes we lose control, one question, one thought it’s all that’s necessary.

No matter how strong we are we all have moments and I guess this one’s mine. Who said it would be easier near the peak? A steady climb becomes harder and harder, as we reach higher altitudes and now I’m feeling it. My mind is fighting this process, manifesting in ways that are ever so familiar to me. For the first time though I am standing up to my mind and disciplining it. A year ago I’d be begging myself to control it, now I am telling it to behave. It’s different.

This whole situation is different, I am not used to my mind quietening down with my own voice. This would have ended in tears, in a shatter of confidence. Falling from here wouldn’t have been pretty. Everybody stumbles, but not everybody keeps at it. I am keeping at it, not because I want to reach the summit, but because I want to overcome my fear and climb every mountain in my way.

My gap year is over, but it still feels like this is a gap year. I remember writing I wanted that year to continue, one of the most important years of my life. I am so glad it still feels like it. I want this feeling to last for as long as it can. There’s so much to my story, so much I haven’t told you all, and I will cover all the ground, now that the work eases up, I’ll be here, this is my forever.

These posts gave me life, this is my safe haven. For someone who always doubts themselves, this has become a space of no judgement, and I only have the readers to thank for that, however few, however many. Thank you!


One thought on “Full steam ahead

  1. Poonacha PG says:

    You have come a long way with great determination. “I want to overcome my fear and climb every mountain in my way.” Liked your thought a lot. “For the first time though I am standing up to my mind and disciplining it. A year ago I’d be begging myself to control it, now I am telling it to behave. It’s different.”
    I like the idea of voting for a person, who has good track record and can do good work for a village or a state or nation irrespective of any party affiliation. Blindly voting for a party may not make us good citizens supporting democracy. I may be wrong.
    Keep writing more.

    Liked by 1 person

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