I have been feeling heavy, maybe it’s just the number of layers I’m wearing. But lately, I’ve just been trying to make time. Somehow things seem to be happening, just moving. I feel like I am on a pilgrimage to Tirupati. For those who don’t know what that is like, it’s transcendent. I’ll let you decide whether it’s good or bad. But in a line at Tirupati you are not travelling on your own feet, you are basically letting the crowd push you to the shrine. It’s not by choice, and you for sure can’t turn around and go back.
I think that’s an accurate description of where I am right now. I’ve tried to sit and put it all into perspective but I just don’t have the words. Somehow it’s still working, like clockwork. Inside a clock is all these tiny parts working as one force, so precise and calculated, and right now my life feels like that.
I think about society on a daily basis now, well that’s what my course needs me to do. While I feel at home, I have to remind myself that this feeling is temporary that it’s not the main show. Psychologically and physically I am alright but it doesn’t feel natural. I don’t know if I am making sense at this point. In one hour I will be in class again contemplating politics, power and people. In this time between classes I found a small space to collect my thoughts.
My days are split between reading, writing and cooking. If I get time after that I call people who matter to me. I know this is life, I don’t need anybody to tell me that but I am so engrossed in what I do that what happens around me becomes blurred. The focus is on me all the time. I sleep at the right time, wake up at the right time, am never late and everything seems to be going fine.
I am thankful for my own company that none of this is happening in my unawareness. I also find myself appreciating my situation a lot more, I am not pitying myself or feeling as if I am trapped. I learning to problem-solve rather than just problematise. It’s a skill I am still learning to wield. It took me a year to find this spot, not the couch I am sitting on from where I can see people walking by but this spot in my life where I am ok with how my situation is. That I don’t feel like I got cheated out of my best self, somehow scammed by the universe.
That being said, I am not overly glorious because one can never be. I am tired, but it’s the good kind of tired where you feel like being tired is worth it. I am tired because I am trying to accomplish something, I am not tired because I am running low on emotion. This clockwork is inspiring, it’s indicative that I can hold my own. I talk to my Mom every day before I sleep when the panic tries to creep in. I still have to prop that door closed.
Sometimes I choke up, I stumble over self-doubt and must catch the railing for support. But on most days I smile when I see the clouds or the trail of clouds, the pink skies warm my heart on cold winter days. Last year the winter was cold and white, this time there’s a dash of colour and it makes me feel ok. And that is what I had hoped for, not for excellence and perfection but just average.
I am in step with time and I think that time is surprised, not me. Now even when the panic tries to catch a peek of me, I can meet it eye to eye and tell it I am alright. Now, work is second nature, before I felt like a kid who didn’t know how to swim. This is the journey of depression, one where things really did turn around. I am not going to make any predictions, I am just going keep up with time. I am so happy I didn’t give up, because then I’d have never known what my threshold really is.