I like nothing better than not being found on some days. In a way, I disappear, far removed from the world in my own way journeying across space and time. This coming week is filled with holidays, friends returning home, my Mum getting a break from work. For me this year every day has been like a holiday barring a couple of months. And yet, I can do with more holidays.
I went for a comedy show on Sunday, just for a bit of change. It’s funny how people need someone else to make them laugh. It’s so difficult to make people laugh, remember when we were kids? A fart or a sneeze or someone tripping was enough to make us laugh. Now we think of humour as an intellectual process. We search for nuance and symbolism in humour. I realise how difficult it is to make me smile, I mean it shouldn’t be this hard. That’s why we buy tickets to allow someone to make us laugh for an hour.
I suppose we’ve now become so serious. It’s just the burden of the whole day you know? We take everything to heart, I mean we’re looking out for ourselves and the ones we love, we’re planning ahead and trying to fill those gaping voids. So when someone sits us down for an hour and manages to get us to forget it for a moment and laugh at ourselves we feel better. That’s why I go watch live comedy shows, not because watching a special at home won’t make me laugh, but because if I am in the audience I’ll be laughing with other people.
We live in these bodies day in and day out, and we still need others to remind us that we’re humans. Even my escapes have become tropes, I know it. It’s all this monotony that pushes me to buy tickets to shows and events that I could catch a month later on Netflix or Amazon Prime. There are viruses floating in the air at the moment, and the weather is unpredictable but I am still venturing out against my anxiety perhaps in a way trying to get over it.
Yes, I get headaches when I spend too much time outside the house, I get nervous and sometimes feel suffocated. I must say though, there are times when I have a good time, and I only realise when I come home that I have a headache. That’s not so bad. I like my old escapes, they inspire different feelings in me every time.
My personality isn’t monotone. On some days that bothers me because I don’t get it. I look for white in everything one day and the next all I see is black. Perhaps it’s this sarcastic facade that demands so much care because it’s fragile. I escape because I want to let the facade down but I can’t do it with people who know me. It has to be in a setting where I might never meet those people ever again.
I’m not easy to make laugh just as it’s not so easy to scare me, but in a comedy show, I laugh loudly at the half-baked jokes too. If I were watching it on a screen I’d probably roll my eyes. But the thing is I go to these shows so I can laugh because I want to laugh. I know it’s silly but it is what it is.
Not many people get why I go to events and places on my own, but it’s not because I want to be alone, it’s because I want to be irrelevant. Escapes are not just about getting out of a circumstance or a physical space. It’s about getting out of your current headspace. I don’t understand the science behind it, I am just saying what I feel.
I guess it’s all for the want of a smile. I can’t explain it better than that. On some days I’m just done. Off late people have said, “It’s your gap year! What do you have to worry about? Just enjoy the vacation!” Well, I’d like to point out that a gap year isn’t a vacation from life. Of course, it’s time you take out for yourself so you can be sure of yourself and responsibilities. But working on yourself is just as hard as having a full-time job. So yes on some days I feel as if I need an escape.
My old escapes are like secret passageways in and out of my brain. I don’t have to explain why I feel like I need one, the only person I need to explain it to is myself. We all have our reasons. Being inside my mind is like being on stage constantly fighting stage fright, every once in a while I’d like to be the audience.