I was under the impression that it would be a slow transition, a carefully planned climb that would allow me to get used to the conditions before it got tough. This is nothing like what I thought it would be. It’s a rush of cold wind unexpectedly uprooting the structure of my carefully built shelter and now I’m trying to wade out of the mess, still unaware of my bearings. That’s what preparing to go back is like. I am not trying to sound like I can’t handle it, it’s just overwhelming. It feels surreal at the same time because I had visualised the process in a hundred different ways. I can’t deny that this was one of those ways.
As I get tangled in therapy as the gears shift, my weeks look busier than they did a week ago, I have forms to fill, questions to ask, I have dates in my notebook I can’t afford to miss. The carpet has been rolled out in front of me, leading me to my Master’s degree that seemed like the only goal on my mind last year. It’s slowly becoming more demanding. It’s a pretty straightforward process that becomes winded when my emotions come in to play. I guess the thing is my wellbeing is a goal now too on par with the degree.
I am grateful for a mother who shares the load with me, she sits despite having a hundred things to do making lists, talking to the authorities, making plans and submitting forms for me. Today was particularly tough and she pushed me forward with her mere support. She has always been a cushion to fall back on, pretty much the only thing that keeps me going. I have instead become a mediator.
My mind is still not in the game, though it nags at me, I’ve become less fierce like I’m doing all of this for the first time. It’s disappointing. All I did was facilitate conversations and write emails which really isn’t that big of a deal. My therapist told me today that my anxiety is manifesting itself as OCD and symptoms of my depression have reduced. So while depression is no more the biggest worry, OCD is the next thing to address. I didn’t know whether to be sad or happy.
I go two steps forward and one step back, I am used to it now. I like seeking comfort in my writings as a teenager, the most volatile phase of my life, that time when my writing seemed more like an imitation than my own. I was just as confused then, about to give the most stressful exam of my life and wondering whether that exam would make or break me. Now as I stand at another crossroad wondering it’s nice to look back at those doubts and remind myself that no matter what it is, I’ll get through it.
I’ve lived with these symptoms for as long as I can remember, but at least now I’m getting better, I know what they are and I know how to tackle some of them. Beyond this point, I can’t guarantee much, things from here will get hardcore. It’s up to me to find my peace of mind. Better now than never, right?
I’ve been following the news, not by choice, it’s just the updates on my phone that remind me that the world still remains just as messed up as it was. I guess in times of stress one should look to news, there are no good days, there are only bad days and days that are not all bad. Today I filled in a form wrong because I was anxious. I was lucky it didn’t have to be submitted. I’ve had quite a history with forms filled wrong. I entered my grades wrong in a form that was essential for my admission to my college for my undergraduate studies. Despite the error, I made it because it was an error after all. For all my anxiety I’ve lived a pretty impulsive life.
Today was an obnoxious day because I was not only nervous but also in a weird sort of slump, not particularly interested in anybody but me. Yet, things went better than planned. To see my mother smiling even now as she brings me a glass of water fills me with an immense amount of faith. I get the feeling I’ve been looking at this whole thing wrong. This transition is not a burden, it’s an opportunity. It’s just another day, and it has come to an end. It’s true everything passes, even the worst of storms.
While playing a game of table tennis with my sister to de-stress, I told her, “Losers deserve more credit, if they don’t lose, then the other person can’t be a winner. So if someone does well it’s only because someone didn’t do so well.” Of course, she laughed and so did I. We always look at the world from the point of view of the winner and that’s why we feel like we’re lacking, why we’re sad, why we look down on our problems and why we become competitive.
I can’t be a winner every day, today I slipped up and messed up a form, tomorrow I might miss an opportunity or I might fall ill, it doesn’t change anything. No two days in my life have been exactly the same, and that tells me the weakness and the fear I feel today will not be the same as what I will feel tomorrow. Maybe today I was overwhelmed by it all, by all that stands before me, but tomorrow I’ll come back and it’ll be different. I can finally acknowledge the fact that whatever this is, it has begun.