The sun weaves in and out of clouds, indecisive of whether to hide or not. I managed to close a number of tasks when Monday came by and now I’m left with the sweet prospect of days I can fill with things I actually want to do. I am trying to lock my worries away for the time being as the horizon comes ever so close. It’s not that I want to avoid responsibility but the fact that so far breaks have been few, and demands plenty. After an interesting weekend, I was not looking forward to a drab, cloudy week in the city.
Now I am just spending my afternoon rolling on my bed finding a comfortable position to read or watch a series in. Sometimes I get the feeling I was born to read and watch series, I seem to do it so well. As I discover a plan to keep afloat in the last few months of my gap year, I feel like now I’m in the deep end of the pool where things start to get messy.
The realisation that this was just supposed to be one year is slowly starting to set in and I feel maybe I’ve become too comfortable with the idea of a gap year. Now as new projects take my fancy I need to start weighing in the fact that I have little time left to myself. I have to start saying ‘no’ instead of ‘yes’ to interesting opportunities because I can’t escape the looming return to my old life. It’s funny how at this time last September I was so excited to go and pursue my ambitions, now returning to those ambitions feels like a heavy weight on my heart.
While I can continue to pretend I haven’t made a commitment for next year, I’ll have to face it either way. Even if I decide to give it all up I still have to face it and pretending like I don’t have to make that call is only a temporary relief. I am begging time for more time. I am trying to stretch a second across minutes to no effect. The songs on my playlist are slowly turning grey, I feel the discomfort setting in.
When I began this gap year I thought by this time I’d have an idea of what I wanted, while I have answers to some big questions like my identity and the questions surrounding my anxiety and depression I have no clarity on the next year. I took the break to be sure I wanted to do what I was doing before, I am still not sure. It’s a fairly logical decision to make, it’s a yes or no question but still….it makes me uneasy. I think it’s the fear of it working out.
This year has been one entailing multiple speculations. I’ve arrived at conclusions more through deductive reasoning and not because of problem-solving. I am still trying to take things easy. I am still working at shedding the load on my heart and allowing my brain to carry some of the weight. I have not yet found the solution to the voices in my head apart from drowning it out through songs and videos. I am still far removed from my present oscillating from past to future. I haven’t found my balance.
The prospect of facing the demons that caught me off guard again without the medication, this house and these people still grips me with a fear I can’t describe. At the same time, I can’t move any faster than this. I ask myself, does it have to be here or there, is there no in-between? Will there ever be an in-between for me? While I know I’m worth something, I still don’t know how much I’m worth.
I learnt during this gap year who are giving me a false sense of security and who want to make sure I have no crutches to stand on so I may never walk again. I have seen both kinds of people. I’ve also found those who I can depend on with eyes closed, and I cannot be more thankful to those few people. Knowing that I have a long way to go, makes me more terrified of the next year.
If I need to survive this life and live till 80 I need to take it easy, I can’t see every molehill as a mountain. I wear glasses but I can’t keep blowing my life out of proportion to the point that it becomes self-destructive. This is what living with anxiety is like, it’s like I have magnifying glasses for eyes. A road to cross looks like a canyon and a hurdle looks like a ten-foot wall to me. The anxiety leads me to my depression, the endless darkness that becomes my space of comfort because I am too anxious to turn on the lights.
I am too afraid to face a world that seems much more dangerous in my head than it is in actuality. My anxiety and depression feed each other, ganging up against me. It’s funny I don’t let anyone bully me anymore but I let my mind bully me all the time. It kills me to say that I’m my biggest bully yet, and perhaps I have to remind myself to stand up to myself.
If I, take it easy and if I don’t let my mind get to me, anxiety and depression will get bored of me. It’s easy to stop when you’re doing something for someone else, but I took all the decisions that brought me here, so if there’s one person who can’t abandon this ship it’s me. It’s easy to give up when you have nothing to lose, but I have a lot to lose, a future brighter than the sun and the self-respect that took me my whole life so far to earn. For the first time, I am seeing a person in the mirror and not a face to go with a name, I owe it to her, to live this life.