Carry on

Clearly, this week has gone by very fast. It’s Thursday already and I am feeling nervous. Now that I’m done with work, I don’t know how long the effects of my break will take to wear off. I’m already wondering what to do now that I have time on my hands. My travel plans drowned in the flood, and I have nothing to do starting in September. It’s just going to be me, and my thoughts. Even shows and movies don’t seem to excite me as much as they did before.

Now that the weather has gotten better, going out is a tempting prospect but I don’t know where to go. There’s very little in this city that I have not seen. I’ve always found it hard to carry on or move on from one thing to another. I literally have nothing planned for the rest of the year. Four months of doing nothing are more than I can survive.

Everybody I’ve spoken to has told me that the next four months will be good for me because I’ll get the break I deserve, I’ve done enough apparently. But that’s exactly what I am struggling with. I am back to where I started, itching to do something but not knowing what. Out of boredom, I’ve been matching songs with different videos, writing some of my worst poetry yet and thinking about food to the extent that it has become an obsession.

It’s not so bad when others are doing the same thing around you but when everybody around you is busy, it’s hard to convince yourself that this is good for you. That’s why I like weekends, everybody is off work on a weekend, barring a few exceptions. Isn’t it weird that this year has been one long holiday for me? When I bring it up in conversation people tell me that it’s not weird. Don’t get me wrong, I am glad I took a gap year. But it’s still not something I’ve completely come to terms with.

I would like to carry on to wherever this journey of life will take me. Slowly and surely I will meander through the paths my thoughts make, I will take more wrong turns than right ones, I’ll get lost in the wood, and then come out by the beach to ponder for hours, to answer the toughest questions. Carrying on is an attitude more than it’s a process. As we grow up carrying on becomes harder because we have to carry with us all our baggage. It’s easier when you have someone to share the load, but that seldom happens.

I feel drained and weighed down by the journey I’ve made this far. I am starting to see the cycle repeat and everything slowly turning grey again. Every time another month slowly draws to a close I feel like I’ve been punched in the gut. It’s a reality check. I panic wanting to find inspiration but all I get is a question mark and curse word. If only I could get used to time passing by so that it doesn’t feel so terrible.

Do you get the feeling that you’re tired from the journey you’ve made? You just want a bit of time to forget your name, your flaws, your strengths, your decisions, your words. Don’t you want to be free from the identity you need to protect? I’d like to carry on as a new person. Yet, this body is my carriage. While we constantly search for something new, we forget what’s in front of us.

There’s so much more of me I’m yet to discover, but how do I move from one stone to the next? We should be able to transition without having to work at it. In my free time, should I just continue as I am living currently? Will Netflix be enough to fill the void? It’s a temporary quick fix. A better solution would be to sort through my issues and work at making a new schedule. I might even find a good alternative when I least expect it.

Some way or the other I’ll carry on, still holding on to what I can. I just need to hang in there. What does carrying on even mean? If life came with an instruction manual everything would be so easy.

When I began this gap year I compared it to a train journey, now I’m even more sure it is.  Every station, every breakdown and every view outside my window has grown to be precious to me. I’ve learnt something from each moment. I don’t mind the pit stops, the bumpy stretches and bad weather. I just don’t want it to stop.

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