I have nothing to do today. I literally don’t have a single task or chore. It’s just me, my music and this laptop. I still feel like I should have something to do. I can’t just sit in one spot all day pretending to do something when I am actually just googling myself. I am usually a productive person, and when I have nothing to do I try to make myself useful. Today though, my brain is on vacation. I am not in the mood for thought and feelings.
I have these moments every once in a while. I run out of ideas like every other human being. I’ve been this way since the very beginning. Over the years I’ve tried working on it but it’s just the way I am. Even the most productive people can’t sustain it forever. After being on edge for a while, it’s understandable that this moment was going to come. I am not surprised or taken aback I just have to let it pass.
My music and what I’ve been watching has been slowly getting weirder and weirder. I realised I needed to stop before I was too far gone. Most of the sitcoms and shows I was following are coming to an end. They were bound to, but it’s hard to find something else to watch, even though there are so many shows out there after watching so much very little surprises you. I’ve stopped trying to understand my taste in music, I have Mozart and Major Lazer in one playlist and as the days have gone by it’s just gotten more warped.
Whenever the weekend rolls around I brace myself for boredom but what I feel right now isn’t boredom. I feel stillness, and like I am the only one moving while everything around me stays the same. My mind can’t quite understand it and I don’t feel like unpacking the feelings right now. A string of weird dreams in the past couple of nights have brought me here.
Knowing that the next couple of weeks will be slightly more exciting makes this weekend a little more bearable. I’ve been following the news hoping to find something interesting to think about. I guess a lot happened during the week that sort of drained the intellect in me. From disagreements to hard decisions this week has been quite tough on me. One mind can’t keep churning out a continuous stream of thoughts, we need to give it breathing room.
The weather too is bailing on me, the sun has decided to hide again. Finding inspiration is a tough thing to do. I want to use my time constructively, perhaps paint a painting or engage in a cool activity. There is this concept of a ‘weekend getaway’ which sounds great as an Instagram hashtag or a blog post. But that requires money and unfortunately, I still don’t earn enough to support myself. I used to think when I became an adult I’d strike the perfect balance between work and play.
The reality is a bit different, I am sometimes asked to work on weekends, my friends are all in different places busy, my family too have their stuff to do. Even if I want to have a weekend where I go out and relax, it’s not that simple to organise. Adulthood is exhausting. When I was a teenager I used to be able to pick up lyrics really fast. I still remember those songs but now if I hear a song I won’t even remember its tune the next day. I want to climb a mountain or soar the sky, something a little more exciting than this.
Being productive and being excited about life are not easy things to do. They’re not impossible but they’re not easy either. While I have a lot of energy I don’t have too many outlets. Thinking can put a lot of weight on you and I know that’s what holds me back. It’s not the work, it’s not my taste or personality it’s a large amount of thinking that I do. If I didn’t think as much all the time I’d be in a much better place.
Maybe one day the most exciting thing I do in a day will not just amount to writing a blog post. It won’t be easy or straightforward but I can try. I like being busy and I like challenging myself. I race towards every weekend telling myself that I am going to do something amazing and every weekend I end up doing the same thing and if I really push myself, maybe I’ll do the same things in a different order.
I consider every single day to be a second chance that life gives us to make the next day better than the last. I need to start taking it more seriously.