I have things to do, but I’d rather ponder my life away. It’s a conscious choice that I might regret later. Days have seemingly become longer, thanks to work. I’ve been trying to find a balance between me and my work, allowing neither to take over my life. Of course, it will still take me time to find the right balance. Very soon now, prep for what happens after my gap year will begin. This is the eighth month, and there are only four months left before I have to return to my education and the goals I set aside.
As I see the horizon coming towards me, I am nervous. I don’t know how ready I am for the life after my gap year. I’m presuming it’s not going to be much different. While I’m making progress there’s a lot of work I have to do on myself to be ready for what happens later. There’s the planning, getting everything in order, making tough decisions and following through which is very daunting at the moment.
I’ve of course been telling myself that I shouldn’t take it too seriously and that everything will work out. Right now things feel like they’re within my control, but I know when September rolls around my life will change drastically to help me get ready for 2019. All I know is that, whether I like it or not, I have to face 2019. To be honest, when this gap year began, I didn’t think the year would turn out to be so exciting. I didn’t think I’d make it this far.
I started off in 2018 as a zombie and slowly gained back bits and pieces of myself. Now that more than half of the year is over, it feels strange. It still feels like I didn’t get enough time. It was bound to feel like that. For all I know, 2019 may go much better than I expect, just because I am a different person now. I have a good feeling about it but I don’t want to jinx it.
This month, therefore, is my last “free” month. After August ends I am going to have a different approach to the rest of my gap year, it’ll become more straightforward and lack-lustre. I never thought my gap year experience would be this sorted out. This month I’ll be doing a bit of travelling, celebrating a bit and finishing my work before I sign off and go back to being a student. It’s been surreal.
On the mental health front, I just want to go back to my degree without having too many panic attacks and fewer meds. That’s it. I just want to be able to help myself be the best version of myself. It’s an ongoing process, and I know a year is not enough to make up for the years of grief I have faced. All of the past can’t be wiped away in 12 months. While I am being realistic, I also know that the rest of this year will go much better than I expect. I’m not worried about making mistakes or taking my time any more. This is my life and nobody else can live it for me. So, I better be in a good condition to take it on.
I am a diamond in the rough, I still have miles to go. Four months is not a short period of time even though it might feel short. Now that I have seen rock bottom, I am not afraid of it any more. I’ll do everything I can to stay away from it, but if I do find myself back there at some point, it won’t be as scary. This gap year has so far been the best year of my life, undoubtedly. It’s been tough but it’s been amazing too. I was challenged to step outside my comfort zone, rethink my approach to life and learn to accept myself for who I am.
It was important for me to see this side of myself. It was important for me to get help when I needed it. Everything has changed, and so quickly too. It’s still taking me time to get used to it but I am enjoying it. It’s okay to be a diamond in the rough, and I believe everybody is. The world is a tough place to navigate, we’re going to be criticised every day, and some falls are going to hurt us much more than others. Everything’s a part of it but there’s nothing we cannot face. I repeat nothing.