A movie on Monday

What should be a busy start to a week, is turning out to be a wet, cold and gloomy Monday. It’s the perfect day to sit under the blankets, watch a horror movie and scare the bejesus out of myself. Since I’ve been explicitly advised to steer clear of horror which is my favourite genre I thought why not go to the cinema? It’s not a bad idea, instead of staring out my window waiting for the sun to shine, I might as well go watch a movie on the big screen. I am trying to find more ways to keep myself interested in the week.

Of course, I have made a list of things I need to get done and am religiously working my way through the list checking boxes but 24 hours in a day is too long a time to spend indoors. For three months since I got back to India I’ve done exactly that. Now I’m used to getting out and being active, and I want to continue that trend because it’s made me a happier version of myself. I don’t want to give up things that are good for me. My new work will begin this week or the next and till then I need to find ways to keep occupied. By occupied, I don’t mean Netflix, something more stimulating I guess.

The movie I watched today was a biopic and I am not too excited about it, I was just curious because the protagonist is an interesting specimen. This movie generated some buzz and I guess as someone who has followed films rather closely for the last couple of years I was pretty keen on watching this movie. Also for me, it serves a dual-purpose, escaping boredom and quenching my curiosity. I need some departure from dramas, period dramas, and slice-of-life serials that run into 20 to 50 episodes depending on which one you’re watching. I mean I can still watch them but I want to shake things up.

July kicked off as it does, with an abundance of rain. The monsoon here is unpredictable and heavy, so while it comes as a relief after summer, it puts a damper on things. Plans halt because of rain and moods change. For me, I like the gloom, it encourages my creativity but I know many who are complaining. I guess free time is something I’m still getting used to. From working six days a week to not working at all is a huge leap. Obviously, I am afraid. I don’t know if anyone can tell but I am. I keep looking for reasons to work because I am so afraid of having another panic attack or being left with my brain for company. In a way, I am afraid of myself.

This movie helped me shut my brain down for a while because lately, sleep has begun to evade me. Ever since I knew work was going to come to an end for a bit sleep has been hard to find. I thought it was nervousness or excitement but now I know it’s anxiety. I know myself enough now to perform damage control. I’m trying not to pop pills and instead constructively deal with this. The more it hits me the more I realise how dependent I am on others. Due to circumstances I haven’t seen my therapist in a while and now I feel like somebody just pulled out the crutches from my hands and I am holding onto nothing while trying to balance.

Not that I haven’t dealt with it alone in the past, but it’s never really ended well for me. I guess what I am really afraid of is that this year feels like I am living a year out of someone else’s life. I set aside my burdens and let myself loose. Now I look at my suitcases in the corner of the room and my university inbox and feel my heart race. Every time a month goes by I feel new anxiety. I keep asking myself what the solution for this is? Sometimes I feel like maybe I’ll be okay sometimes I just want to ignore all of it and other days I confront it outright. It’s more complicated than just being okay because every time I confront it I am literally fighting against myself.

I wouldn’t say I haven’t come far, because I know I’ve made great progress. But such moments are humbling because it places me back in reality. Instead of pretending at least now I am being real, I am no longer ashamed of my fears and doubts. The progress is visible and maybe I am still a little shaky, but step by step it’ll get easier. The movie today made things better, I need little distractions, a little bit of popcorn and me time. Plus I was getting a ticket for half the price.

Sometimes therapy doesn’t have to be traditional, anything that helps is therapy as long as it’s good for you. I am going to deal with my anxiety and I am going to make the most of everything I have but for that, I need to be ok. My problems aren’t going anywhere and neither am I so if I want to wait a bit and patiently overcome a hurdle it’s ok. After all, as long as there is time there is hope, as someone in a Taiwanese drama once said.

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7 thoughts on “A movie on Monday

  1. Poonacha PG says:

    I am inspired by your struggle and the way you are able to find new ways to fight.That is what life is all about. Be your own beacon of light to guide you through life and help a large number to live well.Keep writing.
    “Instead of pretending at least now I am being real, I am no longer ashamed of my fears and doubts.”

    Liked by 1 person

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