What should be a busy start to a week, is turning out to be a wet, cold and gloomy Monday. It’s the perfect day to sit under the blankets, watch a horror movie and scare the bejesus out of myself. Since I’ve been explicitly advised to steer clear of horror which is my favourite genre I thought why not go to the cinema? It’s not a bad idea, instead of staring out my window waiting for the sun to shine, I might as well go watch a movie on the big screen. I am trying to find more ways to keep myself interested in the week.
Of course, I have made a list of things I need to get done and am religiously working my way through the list checking boxes but 24 hours in a day is too long a time to spend indoors. For three months since I got back to India I’ve done exactly that. Now I’m used to getting out and being active, and I want to continue that trend because it’s made me a happier version of myself. I don’t want to give up things that are good for me. My new work will begin this week or the next and till then I need to find ways to keep occupied. By occupied, I don’t mean Netflix, something more stimulating I guess.
The movie I watched today was a biopic and I am not too excited about it, I was just curious because the protagonist is an interesting specimen. This movie generated some buzz and I guess as someone who has followed films rather closely for the last couple of years I was pretty keen on watching this movie. Also for me, it serves a dual-purpose, escaping boredom and quenching my curiosity. I need some departure from dramas, period dramas, and slice-of-life serials that run into 20 to 50 episodes depending on which one you’re watching. I mean I can still watch them but I want to shake things up.
July kicked off as it does, with an abundance of rain. The monsoon here is unpredictable and heavy, so while it comes as a relief after summer, it puts a damper on things. Plans halt because of rain and moods change. For me, I like the gloom, it encourages my creativity but I know many who are complaining. I guess free time is something I’m still getting used to. From working six days a week to not working at all is a huge leap. Obviously, I am afraid. I don’t know if anyone can tell but I am. I keep looking for reasons to work because I am so afraid of having another panic attack or being left with my brain for company. In a way, I am afraid of myself.
This movie helped me shut my brain down for a while because lately, sleep has begun to evade me. Ever since I knew work was going to come to an end for a bit sleep has been hard to find. I thought it was nervousness or excitement but now I know it’s anxiety. I know myself enough now to perform damage control. I’m trying not to pop pills and instead constructively deal with this. The more it hits me the more I realise how dependent I am on others. Due to circumstances I haven’t seen my therapist in a while and now I feel like somebody just pulled out the crutches from my hands and I am holding onto nothing while trying to balance.
Not that I haven’t dealt with it alone in the past, but it’s never really ended well for me. I guess what I am really afraid of is that this year feels like I am living a year out of someone else’s life. I set aside my burdens and let myself loose. Now I look at my suitcases in the corner of the room and my university inbox and feel my heart race. Every time a month goes by I feel new anxiety. I keep asking myself what the solution for this is? Sometimes I feel like maybe I’ll be okay sometimes I just want to ignore all of it and other days I confront it outright. It’s more complicated than just being okay because every time I confront it I am literally fighting against myself.
I wouldn’t say I haven’t come far, because I know I’ve made great progress. But such moments are humbling because it places me back in reality. Instead of pretending at least now I am being real, I am no longer ashamed of my fears and doubts. The progress is visible and maybe I am still a little shaky, but step by step it’ll get easier. The movie today made things better, I need little distractions, a little bit of popcorn and me time. Plus I was getting a ticket for half the price.
Sometimes therapy doesn’t have to be traditional, anything that helps is therapy as long as it’s good for you. I am going to deal with my anxiety and I am going to make the most of everything I have but for that, I need to be ok. My problems aren’t going anywhere and neither am I so if I want to wait a bit and patiently overcome a hurdle it’s ok. After all, as long as there is time there is hope, as someone in a Taiwanese drama once said.