Every morning I wake up counting down seconds until my alarm rings. When it does, I shut it off and beg myself to sleep a little longer. It takes all my resolve not to forget to wake up altogether. As someone who doesn’t sleep a lot, every second of sleep is important to me. These days, with a fixed routine waking up is almost automatic. But I can feel myself groan as I wake up with a heavy head not really enjoying the feel of it. I have the same breakfast every day and catch the bus at the same time every day.
I used to be a morning person, I used to love the sunshine in the morning, getting up to the sound of the birds. Now it doesn’t feel the same anymore. Waking up is a task. Mostly because there’s so much to do in a day and not all of it is related to work. I look at myself in the morning and the bags under my eyes and wonder why I wake up tired. With time one’s energy really depletes. My tolerance for sunlight and noise has also reduced. I’m like a grumpy old man, who’s always complaining and mumbling.
Mornings have lost the glamour they once had, like worn out clothes. They seem less bright day after day. I think it’s me, I’m the one who’s worn out. How can mornings look grey when it’s bright out? It’s obviously got something to do with me. I’m not sad about it, but yeah I’d still like to enjoy the sun and listen to the music that plays in my ears. Now I don’t bother listening to music because it’s more noise. The radio plays more ads than music these days anyway.
I’m slowly turning into the Grinch. The Grinch of mornings, I wake up with a frown and snap at everyone because I’m still not completely awake. Today, I had a dream that I even began looking like the Grinch and woke up feeling pretty sure I’ve lost it. I guess my mornings don’t go so well anymore because of my attitude. I can change it, but will my mornings get better? I’m not sure they will. If attitude alone could change things the world would have been a really different place, utterly unrecognisable.
Changing my attitude is only the first step, I’ve got to put in the work as well. Start looking for the rainbow in the sunlight, listen harder to the music and smile in the mirror. It’s going to take me many mornings to get there. When you’re feeling grey, the tendency is to only search for the grey and the grey becomes comfortable. That’s a dangerous thing because the grey will eat through all the other colours and turn them grey too.
I’ve become attached to the sadness unwilling to let it go and letting it feed at whatever happiness I have left in me. I can’t let it cloud my judgement no matter how tempting that might be. When I was a teenager I thought angst was cool, it expressed reality. Now I find it toxic. One must feel angst but one can’t get attached to it and make it their identity. It looks cool on good-looking protagonists in books who wear it so well. But if you’ve stuck with the book till the end even they have a change of heart. No one can brood forever, no one can always be sad. You can be Darcy or you can be Heathcliff. It’s really up to you.
Not everything that’s written in books is fantasy and the key to your happiness need not be a person if it’s a person it need not be someone else. You can be the key to your own happiness. Often people don’t believe that. We do have it in us but we don’t like to think it possible. I know that mornings will always be what they are. At least for as long as I’m alive.
I think I want to start by looking for one colour and not many. Maybe I’m still asleep when I wake up for real I’ll be fine. I used to think that maybe life is one long dream and that one day I’ll wake up and I won’t be in the same place or time. Life is a question and not an answer. That’s why we live to figure it out. I’m ok with not being my happiest in the morning, but I want to change how I feel about it. Just so that I can start the day on the right note. I’m not yet the Grinch, ‘yet’ being the keyword.