As much as I love myself I love food. The past few days have been a roller-coaster ride. All with good reason. It started with a bowl full of ice cream and went down south from there. Work and play collided in a cataclysmic manner totally wiping out the rest of the week in a landslide. Anything that happens after all this will just be the remnants of the destruction that has been this week. I am still in recovery. I am sleepy, tired, and still have to go to work tomorrow. Between family and friends, I have been stretched far too thin. I can only hope there are no more surprises this week, I don’t think my dignity can handle it.
It’s quite amazing how one incident can turn your entire life on its head. I haven’t had an incident like this in nearly a year. I have to admit it was refreshing to seek out normalcy, finding an older self hidden behind the curtains of self-doubt. But, it’s safe to say, I’m going to wait another year before an incident like this takes place again. To give you an idea, it involved friends, some good decisions, some terrible decisions, intense discussions, and to top it all of, incredible timing. One thing that came out of the fiasco, was intense discussions that helped put my own life in a new perspective which was by looking at myself through other’s eyes.
I’m quite impressed with myself but am feeling a gallon of guilt over the incident but I am now fine with it. I mean you can’t really go back and do things differently can you? You can only hope you do better next time. I ususally put my family before myself but a day ago I put myself before my family, I subverted my own conscience. I’m not proud of it but a part of me feels like this was going to happen at some point and I had to. I had to so that I don’t do it again, or maybe next time I’ll do it in a different way.
Life is picking up speed, things are changing fast but whenever I look at the bowl full of ice cream, made with my special requests I feel a tiny bit better. I feel like I am more than my incidents or mistakes. In that ice cream, I see myself. I am like the scoops of mocha ice cream sweet but sharp with the taste of bitter caffeine, my thoughts are like the dark, deep rich chocolate sauce, everywhere, dark, intense, but comforting and the peanuts, representing a generous sprinkling of mistakes, bumps along the road that come to be the integral part in providing flavour to the ice cream. That is me, and that is my soul food.
Perhaps, there isn’t much more to life, perhaps there is. I was speaking to somebody today, telling them that things do get better, but I was repeating words said by a different voice, not mine because I would never say that looking at myself. I have been grappling with the idea of life lately and trying to find what keeps me going. When I had the ice cream I couldn’t help thinking, this ice cream might be worth living for. It’s another thing that I only know one place that makes it the way I want it. I like my Choc-A-Mocha with extra chocolate sauce and less whipped cream.
Just like dreams and love, it took me time to find this ice cream. I tried stuff I liked, I tried stuff that I just couldn’t stand, I went everywhere looking for it and before I left for London, I found it, when I slipped away from my house, wanting to come to terms with going so far away. I took a leap of faith to try the ice cream and it hit me, that ice cream was worth coming back home for. Maybe not for anything else, at the time I’ll admit I had more reasons to return than the ice cream, a few people and a city that loved me more than I loved it. Even while I was in London I craved my Choc-A-Mocha.
A bowl full of ice cream is all it takes to change you or rather me. I’m a simple person who has a penchant for complicating things. I guess this blog would never truly be real if I hadn’t written about that bowl full of ice cream. Yes, this week is unforgettable, it was my life in a nutshell. This week taught me about resilience, fear, reality, friendship, and life. Maybe next week will be slower, fewer things might happen. There’ll be few incidents. When I woke up today morning, I was hoping I could erase this week out of my memory. I just wanted to curl up and pretend like nothing happened. But sometimes you need the bitter taste of guilt on your tongue to truly appreciate the sweet taste of ice cream.
I can’t change anything, in fact, I don’t want to. Maybe I should have been more careful, maybe I could have been with my family when they needed me. Maybe I should have slowed down, maybe I shouldn’t have let them in on my deep-rooted fears, maybe I could have been stronger, maybe I could have waited a bit, maybe I could have faced my fears instead of running away from them……..
But, all these maybes would have never taught me the importance of being true to myself. I can lie to everyone, I can pretend that I am ok, I can say I am strong, I will smile and say I am splendid and I’ll give strength to others. But what’s the point? The fact of the matter is I am hard on the outside and soft on the inside, I bleed too when I get cut. I have a heart, and till yesterday I thought I didn’t. Yesterday was the first time I heard it beat so loud and that’s the only truth. I was afraid of showing I care, I’ve never been good at caring, I run where emotions are involved. I couldn’t face my family, so I stayed away, what was the point? They saw me at my weakest anyway. To more bowls full of ice cream.