I’m enjoying myself this week, more than I expected to at the outset. I guess my moods these days reflect the weather. I think the reason why I’m this happy is that I’m not bringing any work home. I hope my happy streak continues. It’s always nice to see things coming together. I think I’m falling in love with the city once again. Before I was used to it, now it’s become mine. I’m listening to music again, I found a radio station that plays 80’s music, rock, pop, everything and if you ask me the 60’s and the 80’s were the highlights for the Western music industry. All my favourite tracks belong to these two decades.
My view of day and night is changing, I’m restoring balance to an otherwise chaotic existence. Not to mention my work is fun. I’m talking to my friends again, more importantly, I’m talking. Before, I wasn’t even in the mood to speak. Independence changes so much in one’s life. You go from being nervous to confident in one go, like taking a shot. It hits you hard. I’m a pessimist, and this is out of character for me. I usually leave my brightest clothes in the corner of my cupboard, I never feel like I want to wear them because they don’t represent me but now I feel like I can again.
I feel like I can take care of myself again. I can look at myself in the mirror and hold the gaze again. I honestly don’t mean to be this positive. I’ve begun to write poetry again, it’s sad poetry but it’s poetry and in my opinion, that’s a huge leap forward. I can feel summer ebbing away slowly, every day the rain lasts a bit longer, the clouds look slightly larger. The end of summer used to be a sad parting when we were young now it doesn’t matter. There’s so much happening that the weather is the least of your worries. I worry when I have nothing to worry about. That’s who I am.
Yes, there’s uncertainty, when is there not? If I am not thinking about myself I am thinking about the world. On most days though I think about myself. At least I am not keeping a countdown anymore. Time will any way slip away and I’m done trying to chase after it. It’s futile to count on time to do the work for you. A lot of people have said so far, “Time will make everything go away,” and, “Time is all you need.” What I need is not to count on time, because whether I allow it or not time is going to continue. Will I? What can time do when I’m not willing to move? I know time will fix things but I need to as well. So I know time is on my side, my effort should also be.
I am not going to try deconstructing a concept like time here. I won’t even pretend to know how time works. We talk about time like it’s our best friend, but it’s that popular best friend who’s everywhere all at once but you don’t know anything about not even their last name but you talk about them to everyone. You’ve heard all the rumours about them and you believe some but you then figure out that they’re not who you thought they were. Time is a favourite topic for writers to use and pick on because whatever you write about time will be right, and whatever you write about it, it’ll seem like you just wrote something very precious. It automatically sounds beautiful.
I like it here, and I don’t want to leave, I’m referring to this moment, this moment as my fingers type this. I love this feeling, it’s like talking but better. I love knowing that day after tomorrow I’ll be back here rambling. This is one place where I don’t feel pressured to make sense. Yes, I can say profound stuff, tell you my life is amazing, pretend that I’ve got my act together and write using vocabulary that’s beyond fancy. But then I’d be lying and I’d probably quit at some point. Sometimes I hesitate on this keyboard, it’s an act of censorship and it’s challenging. I like being honest here.
I can say for sure, that this keyboard has been through a lot with me, all my heartbreaks, all my crises, the stress of assignments, preparing for exams, watching everything under the sun and has gone everywhere with me, literally. I guess life is passing me, or I’m watching it pass, either way, I’m inching forward. I’m going to get up tomorrow, wear that shirt I haven’t worn in a year, plug into the radio station, listen to Michael Jackson’s hits, smile and keep going.