The weekend is here and for me it began this morning, quite early if I say so. I am living summer like it should be lived one week before I have to get back to some work to keep my savings and my restless mind going.
I have taken it upon myself to recharge, because it’s the weekend. Spending time with my small and happy family is fun. Of course, maybe I am spending it doing typical summer things like going to the beach.
Now I can finally break into my sunglasses that I bought a year ago. I haven’t had the chance to use them because in London there wasn’t enough sun to use my sunglasses. Anyway, I am excited.
I have rarely been to the beach, and I don’t really remember too much of the few times I’ve been there. My sister and parents vouch that I’ve been to a fair amount of beaches, but my memory doesn’t recall it. There are pictures to prove it too but I don’t think my mind found it important enough to remember.
I am writing on my phone squinting because I am on the move. Every time I have started something new I have had a transition period, so before May truly begins work-wise this is my transition time.
This period that feels like a weird limbo of sorts, is filled with doubt. I am excited but I am nervous of this new beast I have to tackle and while I am preparing myself I am preparing myself for the worst. That I am going to get rejected and I am going to fail. Somehow my mind is forwarding to the end of this gap year and I am imagining the back-up plans for when everything goes south.
But when my pay came through today I felt a little lighter. I live on these daily indications to keep me afloat and on the right track. They’re like training wheels which I am going to have to take off or someone will take off for me. So every time my mind throws me out of balance these little victories serves to calm my nerves.
I panic when I have to travel or change environments which tells me that I must. I know it isn’t easy but it’s preparation for life. My Mum’s way of dealing with the confusion of this limbo is to go to a temple and get blessings. That’s her coping mechanism of course she tries to pull me into it as well.
So I go along and as we travel together in those few moments everyone in the car is looking out at the scenery lost in their own waves of thoughts, questions and doubts. Funnily we’re all together thinking. We’re thinking about different things but we’re all together and it makes it easier.
I am making a move, a roadtrip that is the mother of all roadtrips and things start to seem real, that my life is just one life and even in the deepest most remote parts there are people living and doing things. I am a cog in a wheel.
What waits on the other side of this weekend is a box full of memories to go in my memory box and many photos to scroll through, perhaps even post a few on Instagram. In the darkness of depression I am trying to hold a candle to my dreams.