I have finally understood how work can be fun. This week is turning out to be one of the best weeks this year, ever since 2018 began. I started a number of new things that I haven’t discussed with too many people. I usually don’t. Those who know are rooting for me (I hope). Things are underway, what I planned is actually happening. I’ve gotten out of the house, more times than once a week and not just to make a visit to my therapist which is in my expert opinion a vast improvement. So as days go by I’m counting up rather than down, I am learning very slowly to look on the bright side.
I still have my moments, of solemness where I go into a zone and nobody can reach me. I was lying in bed last night staring up at the ceiling, wondering where all of this is heading. I was advised not to ask myself that question because it’s somewhat of a trigger. But when I thought about it yesterday, it was different. It was not the fear in me talking but rather something else, I think I finally heard my rationality. It feels strange to say that, but I’ve been functioning on irrationality for a while now. To hear my rationality was like meeting a very old childhood friend that I once played with and somewhere as teenagers, we drifted apart to the point that you forgot they existed and now you’re meeting them.
Like all old friends, rationality has changed too, it sounds different but I am glad to have it back in my life. I think it’s because I’m taking on more work, challenging myself because I can’t sit on the couch forever. It just won’t do. Plus, I began running out of things to watch on TV. That’s when you catch the hint that you’ve spent enough time trying to make up your mind. Before I wasn’t sure if I was ready, wasn’t sure if I’d ever be ready. Now, I don’t care. I’m never going to be ready and I accept it now. I’m just never going to be ready for anything life is going to throw at me. The only way to know if you’re ready is to put a finger on the fire see if it hurts then put your whole arm in if it doesn’t.
So that’s the strategy I’m going by. I tried to do a few projects here and there for four months, tested my limits, gave myself time. Now I am upping the ante, bit by bit. It’s not planning, it’s doing. I am finding my opportunities and I am taking them. What I’ve found is that I still have it in me. My capability never gave up on me, as I thought it had, I gave up on it. I doubted it and reduced it to nothing. Now I’m finding that I should have given it a chance and I just needed to know that I could. I am clocking in hours and I work at least seven hours a day. When I sit down to write my blog that’s when I am actually doing something of my own free will.
I won’t say what I am doing isn’t important, but I am moving on to something a bit more challenging, out of my comfort zone. This gap year is finally turning out to be about me and not my depression and I love it. At the start, I was pretty sure everything I write here is going to be somber until around September as I saw it. Now I am starting to recalculate. Maybe I’ve made more progress than I thought I could in this amount of time. Last week was tough when my demons came out to play. This week there’s been a complete turnaround.
I think it’s because I finally took charge, I didn’t give in to my fears or anybody else’s. I made an assessment of the situation and took the bull by its horns. My persuasive powers may have lost its edge but it’s still got some scope. I began interaction, seeing more humans than my parents and it’s strange. Only someone who has been as reclusive as me will get it. I went to restaurants, I saw people, lots of people. Last week my Dad and I went out for dinner, the restaurant was empty save for the staff. It was absolutely empty and I felt relieved because people make me nervous. This week I was at the heart of the city where everybody usually goes to socialise. I met people and I held my own.
I know it doesn’t seem like a massive achievement, but being stuck inside the house watching TV and writing means you start to imagine people as caricatured as they are in writing and virtual reality. In fact, I was so bothered by the idea of people that I started watching animated movies instead. I was running from my reality, from the world. Not to say that I’ve stopped running. The prospect just scares me less at the moment maybe it’s my euphoria talking. I have a bad habit of underestimating everything including myself and now it’s too late to change that. I mean I can but I am too lazy to. I will only change when I hurt somebody because of it. So far that hasn’t happened so I am still going with it.
I don’t know if I’m building or tearing down at this point because I feel like I am doing both at the same time. Why I call this post ‘work in progress’, is because in exactly one month I will be completing half-a-year of my gap year. It’ll be month six, I know I’ve covered some ground but there’s so much more to come. I am not referring to my job and the work I do. When I say work in progress, I’m referring to me, and forgive me, but I will reiterate as I’ve done in so many posts, not to explain to you but only to remind myself that that’s my biggest most important job this year, everything else comes second.