Life is largely boring, there are only a few moments which can be called truly dramatic. It’s precisely those moments we remember so well, the high-octane anxious moments in our lives when everything spirals out of our control. It can’t be helped. Most days are lazy, monotonous and longer than they really need to be. On those days we wish our lives were more dramatic, where we’re wide awake and can’t catch a break. Personally, I am a glutton for drama. Maybe its because I watch more movies than is healthy. To make it clear, I don’t have that much drama in my life, in fact, it is terribly boring. I know that’s not a bad thing but you know, we all dream.
What’s more is that even those little moments of drama I do have in my life I like to blow them out of proportion in my head. When I am dramatic I am overdramatic. I don’t know about the people who have to deal with that but I quite enjoy my diva moments. Might I add I have had quite a few of those since I got back? I am not entirely proud of it, but somewhere inside the actress in me is smirking. It might be something as simple as a pair of shorts I grew out of, I had a grand temper tantrum on how I have turned into a giant balloon-human and don’t fit into anything. For effect, the waterworks came on as well.
I put on quite a show when I have my tantrums. I don’t really understand the concept of holding back. Lately, maybe it’s the medication I don’t know, but I’ve become much harder to live with and I can’t lie, it wasn’t a holiday living with me before. I am on the verge of crying when I see one pimple on my face or hair falling out. I wasn’t like this before. I’ve become more insecure about who I am and that is coming out in the form of hatred towards myself. Yes, I do agree with my therapist that I am trying to live up to the grand fantasy of who I think I ought to be and when I don’t match up to it perturbs me.
The problem is when I am in the thick of drama, I hate it. I complain about complaining about drama. I know there’s a part of me that does feel like I don’t get enough attention. I felt ignored as a child, ignored in friend circles, the classroom, sometimes at home and sometimes for no reason at all. I am not the type who wants to be at the centre commanding everyone’s attention. But I do feel like people who care about me should give me attention just because. Somehow in the process, I keep forgetting they are humans who might want attention too.
This is my 50th blog post, and more than anything else I am just glad I stuck with something this long. Therefore, please excuse me if I am a bit dramatic today. For the first time, I haven’t given up on myself. Usually, somewhere to the halfway mark, I start to feel insignificant, I wonder what am I in the scheme of things, just a tiny irrelevant speck in the universe. I know, that’s super dramatic, I’m cringing too. But when that thought creeps up on me that’s usually when I give up, throw in the towel, shut that door and lock myself inside my mind daring myself never to set foot out again.
For the first time I’ve been regular with my writing, my first blog when I was sixteen fizzled into thin air before I knew it. 50 for me is huge. I am just glad I haven’t yet run out of things to write. Some days when the drama returns I do feel afraid that I might just wake up and not want to write and that raises goosebumps on the back of my neck. Interestingly creativity is such a thing you can never run out of. It’s the best renewable source of energy humans have ever seen or will ever see.
Even though fundamentally I understand what a ‘writer’s block’ is, I somehow feel like it’s that time when self-doubt looms over your writing and it makes you overthink to the point that you have to either start from scratch or scrap the work. The only way to get out of a writer’s block is to keep writing even when you know what you’re writing isn’t your best. You will ultimately get over that hump and keep going. I am happy this blog has taught me how to keep going.
It gives me a new purpose every other day. It’s amazing how confident you can be when you’re not doing something desperately hoping people will like it. These posts aren’t to win appreciation, they’re only to give me a reason to fight this depression, to keep me going in a time where I feel like my life has just stopped that too when I was at the front of the pack. This 50th post is my dramatic pause to take stock of how far I have come, breathe and keep moving. I don’t know if it gets harder from here or easier, all I know is that I’ll be back here day after tomorrow drafting a piece of my life and loving the feeling of doing so immensely.
I think everyone’s entitled to their drama. It puts your life in perspective, and everybody should be allowed to hate or love their drama. I do believe that too much of a good thing is always a bad thing but today I reached the 50th milestone and I think I can allow myself this respite. I didn’t set goals with this blog, I was damn uncertain about how this would work out. Today I am a bit more sure so I am not going to make any predictions and jinx this. I just hope I’ll continue to do this every other day and that you get to see more dramatic posts on yours truly. Drama queen out!