So far everything was unclear and foggy. I am slowly figuring out what this is all about. For a while, I was aimless, sort of dwindling about doing things here and there. I was going back and forth a hundred times a day, shifting gears and putting off things till later. But now slowly things are changing. I have found some semblance of comfort in my life. I’ll admit it’s still shoddy work, but it’s better than nothing.
Work has begun in full-swing, I’m busy, to say the least. It’s not like before when I was lying about brooding doing nothing for hours on end. In fact, as I drew up my calendar I realised I have commitments. I marked out my doctor’s visits, the therapist, worked in my yoga and different deadlines on my freelance work and interestingly I found I don’t have much time to lie about the house as I did for the past few weeks. I was working but I was not into it. When you get a sense of direction and perspective things change rather drastically.
It’s not like my calendar doesn’t have breaks, to be honest. I still have my time slots for movies and TV shows every day and I have worked in some events I’d like to attend around the city like comedy shows, plays and the like. I’ve got some commitments to a not-for-profit I’m helping out with that I need to start on and there are a number of people who I will be meeting, but those are more casual. Interestingly, the break is turning into a productive one.
Of course, it’s not as busy as before the gap year started, but one step at a time I guess. As I write all this I feel like I’m in a sort of hurry, like a horse in a race waiting for the gun to fire. I’ve got my blinkers on. I need to savour each moment of this year because I know it’s mine to keep. More than everything else it’s mine to orchestrate and I’m excited. Through school and college, I was bitter because I had this constant hunger to live life on my own terms. Now that I have the opportunity I find myself grinning at the oddest times in the day at nothing in particular.
I spend as much time as I want watching YouTube videos knowing that I don’t have work to finish. I can start my day when I please and end it when I want. Of course, the first few months were rough because I was still adjusting, and I was comparing my situation to others’. Social media was both a boon and a curse because I was constantly reminded of what I could be doing. On the other hand, it opened the door of possibilities of what I wanted to do instead. I retreated into my shell of hopelessness and gave up on the journey of life. I felt like the last dregs of my tea stuck to the bottom of a teacup, utterly useless and unimpressive.
As I began doing more things as simple as arranging my study table and de-cluttering my laptop I found unfinished projects, I found hidden ambitions like a collection of drawings from when I had this ridiculous idea that I could become a fashion designer someday. I am a serial hoarder so I didn’t throw them out. I found my incomplete poems and stories, just lying forgotten underneath folders and folders of wasted attempts to fulfill my writing dreams. It reminded me how many times I gave up, but also how many times I had tried. I love organising my things, especially books, it’s the most calming exercise. As I arranged and rearranged them I marvelled my taste, unabashedly proud of my reading conquest.
There’s so much we do in 24 hours and still don’t do enough. The beginning of this year was tough, it was awkward, and I still cringe when I think of what ensued. Conversations that went South with some old people from my past, and explaining to people I didn’t have much conversation with otherwise why I am doing what I was doing. In justifying it to them I think I was justifying it to myself. I was defending my actions against my own criticism and was not really concerned about the others really.
I’ve come a long way, but there’s a much longer way to go. I hate the thought of it and I feel like I won’t make it. But then again there is so much I have overcome. In this year alone which has barely begun, I have made some of my life’s toughest decisions. I have accepted things about myself that I have denied for years on end. To say the least, I was embarrassed by who I was. But now as I head towards a busier couple of months I can’t help but feel like something new is coming away, that living my life on my own terms is not so bad after all.
I am not mad, I’m just me, boring old me. I have a bad habit of thinking of myself as this all-important, exciting character. Nothing is all that strange or spectacular about me. I am different from everybody else but not everything that’s different is all that interesting. Some people have exciting and interesting lives, others try to make it interesting and few like me imagine that it is. I think you’ve guessed by now that I write these posts to put my thoughts in order. I only contemplate I don’t have the ability or the authority to recommend. All I know is that my vision is slowly clearing and I am becoming a new version of myself, hopefully, it suits me.