There’s always a slight sadness in life, that makes it livable and also makes it real. I have written my best poetry when I was melancholic because the words come very easily when one is sad. I am also my strongest when I am melancholic. Sometimes I wear my melancholy like armour when people test me. But mostly I embrace the melancholy for the purposes of creativity and inspiration. Melancholy is that tender borderline between being sad and being happy, I would call it just the right amount of sadness without being too said.
I don’t always write when I feel melancholic although I am tempted to, I might even remember the words later on when I put pen to paper. But the most interesting aspect through all of this whether I am sad or happy while writing these blogs certain things don’t spike up and down, like the work that I get paid to do still goes by normally and my meal times and bedtimes stay the same. That’s the beauty of life that no matter how you are, no matter how miserable or excited it passes you unaware, never slowing down. But it can feel like it is slowing down. Though it is an illusion, it’s comforting.
If you’ve sat on your terrace or balcony at night watching the stars skirting the moon, although in a city one star may be a rare sight but have you just sat there, thinking and allowing the wind to do its magic? Of course mosquitos aside, it’s pleasant for the most part. You can hear the life around you, maybe the traffic or people, the crickets whatever it is, is going on but you’re not part of it. While for the most part of the day you are part of these sounds and this life, doing everything you can do to give you these few minutes of respite but it’s worth it.
That is melancholy at its best, it allows you to think and feel at the same time, and in balance. You’re rational but you’re slightly whimsical. It’s a feeling to enjoy. It’s a moment to spend with yourself, the few times you don’t necessarily have to be part of a group or conversation. In fact, it’s a conversation you can have with yourself and you might find yourself an interesting partner to converse with. The possibilities are abundant but the chances are few. The world doesn’t give too much time for us to be melancholic. It’s a very hard state of mind to sustain you’ll find. You get pulled back so quickly to a different reality where everything is a jumble, everything overlaps and you’re somehow trying to navigate through the mundane to make life interesting.
But this gap year is my quest and I am finding that I am lost, that I am not on the track that I thought I would be on, in terms of the pre-conceived notions I had of this gap year. But I am also finding more moments that make me think, make me creative not in the conventional sense. It’s like life is moving in slow motion and for once I am aware of every move I am making physically and mentally. It’s all warped, a lot of my notions are being challenged and I am discovering new shades to my very pristine black and white world. In some sense it is fun. Of course, it tires me out at times, it’s like walking through a maze and you keep finding dead ends. All I can do is take this time to be as melancholic as I like, make the most of whatever I am feeling and understand at least a tiny bit of who I am.
I am not pretending that I am completely in control, but step by step I am building a new self with a stronger foundation. The melancholy is a boon, not a curse and I have never seen it as such. But yes I have been smiling a bit lately, just because, without any rhyme or reason. It takes very little to smile, as someone who cries often I can tell you for sure. I like being melancholic but I am tired of being sad, it’s getting me nowhere and I think that in itself is a huge revelation.