Prying thoughts apart one by one is a tiresome task. But the clutter inside one’s head also needs a fitting solution. It’s like trying to hear thoughts above all the background noise. You can get lost in the cacophony and disappear into a crowd of thoughts. There are times when you become a stranger to yourself and you need to work your way up to being comfortable in your skin. I know I should like who I am and after so many years should be aware of myself. But even today I surprise myself at every turn and disappoint myself miserably at times. You can’t really be yourself in a cacophonic society that’s always giving you mixed signals.
They tell you to love yourself but will shun your quirks, they tell you to do this when you really want to do that and when you’re a child you listen to everyone except yourself. Why would you think you know better? After all, the adults have seen more of the world than you have. Before you know it you are on the brink of an identity crisis, especially when society puts restrictions on what you can and cannot do, every voice in your head sounds distinctly different but none of them sounds like you. It’s a disaster trying to make out your own voice amidst all that ruckus. Right from the food you eat to your profession, is determined by circumstance and people’s opinions, sometimes it’s a newspaper article, a book, a survey and for some god-forsaken reason, superstitions.
When you’re at your lowest, that’s when everybody has so much to say. Mind you, some of it is good advice, some of it is helpful. But most of it is cacophony. You have to wade through all the extra opinions, that lower your confidence and listen to the voices that give you a bit of confidence and make sense. Nobody can do all the work for you and get you better, at some level even your mind becomes impenetrable. It’s not anybody’s fault, and it happens unintentionally, that’s the nature of human beings, everybody wants to talk but no one wants to listen. I listen to the birds outside my window to calm myself because if I do and hear everything, every human tells me to I will lose my mind. Some people already think I am crazy.
There’s this interesting concept called ‘listen to your heart’. People seem to think the heart has a mind of its own, others say ‘listen to your gut’ again why do they all have a mind of their own. I really thought my heart and my mind were separate individuals residing within my person. But what I think people are trying to say is that “Don’t listen to others, listen to yourself.” I think that makes the most sense. So far, I have thought from my parent’s point of view, my conscience always sounds like my mother and my rationality like my father. Whenever I enter an institution or go outside my thoughts seem to sound like my friends or peers. But nothing in my head sounds like me.
It’s much harder to think for yourself and do what you want when all these noises come in the way and reprimand you. So it’s best to listen to the birds because you can’t really understand what they’re saying and go with your own voice which will only happen when you mute the others. It’s going to take me time. Right now I am still not good at quietening my thoughts, it’s a mess up there, every thought overlapping the other, just a big pile of random worries. I have to pry it all apart, discard some and clean up the area and make room for something new.
I have shut away so many thoughts in the fear that I was wrong just because they were different. For some reason, people are very scared of being different. What’s worse than being exactly like everyone else? To be different from everybody. I guess people always depend on others to make up their minds. We are constantly looking for validation. I agree you should take help to make certain decisions. But, everything needn’t be done the same way, everything needn’t be conventional. It’s good to hear what I have to say these days, I don’t always take my side but sometimes I like the challenge. And on days when things get really bad, music always comes to the rescue. It’s a noisy world and if we’re not careful, we’ll get lost in the cacophony.