You can’t really control what you feel. It’s tragic. Lately, I feel like my emotions are all over the place and it’s terrible. It impairs my decision-making capability. It stops me from doing things I usually love doing. Nothing about this gap year is “usual”. The usual would be putting up the beautiful sceneries of where I am going, the success stories of things I have achieved and all the love from everywhere just pouring in. No, it’s not “usual” because I feel a mess, everything is all over the place, my Instagram feed is barren and I can barely concentrate on a point on the wall when my Yoga instructor asks me to.
A lot of this journey is just about forcing myself to get better. I have breakdowns when I least expect them. But, there is a pattern, the breakdowns only happen when I push myself too hard. Yes, the breakdowns slow me down, and I cry till every part of my body aches. I can’t breathe, I tremble and I can’t form a sentence without wheezing. It’s not a picture of beauty I’ll admit. Movies and books make breakdowns look glamorous, they usually come at a turning point, well-timed when a protagonist has an awakening of sorts. My breakdowns are quite different, they make me lose my rationality, remind me that I am pathetic and for sure undo all the confidence I would have mustered over weeks. Gosh, they make me angry!
Breakdowns are like a bad dream because I can barely remember it afterword. But I always remember the emotions, I know exactly what I felt. I live from breakdown to breakdown, and nobody should live like that. On some days, I wait for the breakdown to happen so I can just release the emotions, instead of locking them up in my chest and throwing the key away and out of reach. There’s only so much your mind and heart can take, everyone comes with a limited capacity. I am not good with science, but the pressure cooker makes for a very good example here. It’s the most emotionally charged days that one usually remembers even if they have the worst memories.
Sometimes you’re trying so hard to be better, but your body just decides to be a lump. Really, I wonder I put in the determination, I do what is told, but don’t feel better. I take the doctor’s advice, I take the medication on time, I exercise, try to be one with nature, take deep breaths and boom! I have another breakdown. It frustrates me that my emotions aren’t under my control. The one emotion I want to feel, happiness is just not making itself apparent. That’s what bugs me, how long can one human be sad for? What does it take to make it stop? You know, feeling sad is a burden it weighs you down and it takes over everything in your life. It’s like a chain reaction, one second you’re sad about some specific thing like spilt coffee and in the next second, you’re yelling that your life is terrible and pointless. It might not even be a big spill, just a small drop.
There was a time when I was well put together. I had my emotions reined in and my eyes set on the prize. It was my sole ambition to be the loneliest albeit the most successful person ever. What a terrible ambition that was. I pushed away people, didn’t explore the emotional aspect of things. Then when the breakdowns started I was emotional all the time. It was unfamiliar to feel so much emotion in one go. Do you have those moments when you want to scream your head off but you’re surrounded by so many people? Sheesh, I was walking around holding in that scream for so many years. Now I’m letting the screams out in batches. It sounds funny, I know.
I get angry over the most mundane things. I cry over things that are not even my fault. I get irritable at people who don’t deserve it. I give people who are closest to me no entry into my mind. I think the last one makes me feel the worst because I can’t pick up calls from friends, can’t discuss life with my father who was my confidant for so many years and most surprising, I don’t have the energy to fight my mother. It’s strange and scary at the same time. But I’ve realised that emotions are so important, they make you vulnerable but to express them is the bravest thing anyone can do. They can control your entire life. When you express your emotions at the right time they can even save your life. If I hadn’t had a breakdown that day in London I wouldn’t be here writing this. Imagine that.