Well, this is where my gap year really begins with all this baggage. Of course, my first aim is to get better but what else can I do. My unproductivity is something I have to accept because I am currently in the process of ‘healing’. Doing nothing is also an art. I am going to ponder doing nothing in this post, about how frustrating and somewhat enlightening it can be.
I have always been good at running, doing things, moving. Whether it’s school or at home I always had something to do and in college, I was always seen with a book in hand. This sudden feeling of having an empty sheet in front of me is difficult. I am much like an artist without inspiration. I have a year ahead of me half of which will go in getting rid of this depression and that is a major part of it. But figuring out how to keep myself busy when everyone around me is, is extremely difficult and will continue to be no doubt.
I have been given some quote-unquote ‘helpful‘ tips, here I go deconstructing them:
1. Watch Movies: But what do I do when I have run out of things to watch on Prime and Netflix both, I am left with satellite TV watching reruns of badly directed Hindi soap operas and South Indian dramas, I might as well sleep.
2. Sleep: Sleeping? That must be the best advice to an insomniac who detests sleep and mostly runs on a caffeine diet. This is nearly impossible. It’s enough that the medication makes me sleep I don’t need more encouragement. Plus I could do without the nightmares.
3. Eat: I am ever-hungry and have been bing-eating all those things that will ruin my diet, my appetite has already reduced to minuscule proportions so this is out of the question.
4. Write or engage in a hobby: What is this blog for? And writing is my only hobby. This was by far the most unhelpful of all. Lastly…
5. Exercise: This one makes me want to cry because I do love staying fit, but in my state and the meds I can barely move much less go 1, 2, 3, 4……….do unlimited push-ups and run like a maniac until I am breathless.
Depression eats at one’s motivation to do much. So my plans of a gap year have turned on their head, all my ideas failing one after another. Until I realised all I need to do, the biggest project of all, was to accept that I am unproductive and that is temporary, it will pass. That it is okay to be tired and exhausted. Acceptance is my new project for 2018. I have limits, I don’t always have to be on my feet scaling heights. And this beginning is about being happy or learning to be so. It’s not going to happen now, with the help of any of the tasks listed above. It will only happen once I kick my depression, learn to accept myself for who I am and love doing nothing.
Whoever said doing nothing was easy? There are so many thoughts that want answers, some negative telling you, “you are lazy,” but you’re not, you’re thinking and sometimes we need the rest. Doing nothing is impossible and it’s high time we stopped judging people for doing nothing, they’re pillars of optimism in this sadistic, cynical world believing only in goals, achievements, and numbers never in themselves. It’s high time we stopped judging and just did nothing for a change. It is not as easy as you might be thinking. This is the beginning to my gap year, judge me as you please. 🙂