The Decision

The choice to take a year off, smack bam in the middle of a full year of studies, my Master’s degree nonetheless wasn’t easy or even pre-empted. But it was a decision I had to make when I was pushed to the brink of my patience. Some would call me crazy for doing that. You must be wondering, a blog should start with an introduction of sorts. But I have never been one for introductions. In fact, I am very bad at them. I am not trying to be arrogant. My name won’t matter to you unless I have met you and if I have and you’re close enough, you can recognise me from the first sentence.

But my real story starts here, so far everything was a prelude of sorts. And what a prelude that was, of not allowing myself to breathe, of interpreting dreams wrong and making light of my own situation. I thought it was a good strategy, to pay attention to my surroundings before paying attention to myself. Oh, boy was I dumb, I let myself crumble, like dried paint on walls that are centuries old. I flaked off bit by bit until I had laid myself bare and my depression for the world to take stock of.

The highlight of my master’s degree, rather than my dissertation is now my being rushed to the emergency ward of a hospital in London because I was ready to end my life. Hearing voices that tell you to kill yourself, yes that is exactly how I planned to fulfill my dreams. Little did I know that these thoughts were deep-rooted, they weren’t the passing thoughts that I had ignored so many times in the past.

Maybe I am writing this under the effects of heavy medication and it makes very little sense. But I have always been this way, impulsive and slight off-the-rocker. I used to take pride in it until I was living from one panic attack to another. While everybody from my parents to the doctors assumed that since my academics and my physique was alright, I was too and that the rest was, ‘in my head’.

So, coming to this gap year, with the support of my university, I have decided to put myself before the studies, before the grades, before my academic pursuits. It comes at a cost, and I am scared to even look at a reading or two. I am surrounded by people who tell me things will get better. Ergo I begin this blog not with the intention of selling myself, not to make people “happy” or to give them a taste of reality, but just to lay out some questions that need asking. Just to follow this trajectory I am on, that one day I may look back read through this and feel either of two feelings, “I was right” or “Damn, I was wrong.” Let’s see. Stick around if you’re bored enough for this.

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